Thursday, March 29, 2012

To be, or not to be.

So it really has been such a long time since I have written a blog post. So so long! I have been busy being overwhelmed with life. Unfortunately I haven’t taken the time to really sit down and blog. Some days it feels like I can barely keep my head above the water. Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like its so hard to sit down and do the things you really enjoy, to enjoy the quietness, beauty, and people in life?

But here I am, better late than never.  As I approach a huge time of change in my life, I have really started to wonder who I will be in this BIG big world. Where I fit in as an adult. What I stand for. What I actually believe. Who I want to be. All of these questions seem to be just as BIG as the world I live in. And I don’t have any of the answers.

I’m going to be honest, in a time like this it’s hard to rely on God. Because I want to make the answers happen for myself. I want to make my plans appear and come to fruition. And it’s like God slowly, very slowly, gives me a little hint of what the future will look like daily.  I want to plan my career, to plan my family, to plan my schedule to the T the next 10 years. (I seriously could if I wasn’t going to be viewed as crazy!)
And in the midst of my schedule, my lists, and my wants therein lies something mysterious, the unknown. I don’t know how to handle the unknown, because that causes a big block in my schedule, it causes greyness in my life and I like black and white. 

The unknown festers in my heart, stirring anxiety, frustration, and disappointment. Because the more unknown, the more I cling to what I feel comfortable with. The things I can plan out, the things I can physically hold onto. The plans, the ideas, the memories. The more I hold onto that structure, the more I let go of my freedom. I become enslaved to the idea that the unknown could be scary, big, and overwhelming.  

So as I wonder who I am today and who I will be tomorrow I am reminded to just simply be. At this point you are probably think I’m jumping into the crazy pool and I’m a tad OCD- which all could be true. You think, to simply be what? Be you.

God has hand placed our situations, in our life circumstances, our stresses, concerns and he is in control of all of them.  And all he wants us to do is love with our whole hearts. Be who we are.  The bible is full of commands, of things we should do, of the person we should strive to be.

So instead of trying to define myself with some elaborate terms, some deep thought processes maybe I will just sit back and simply exist. Because if we step back and devote our full hearts to him, He will take care of the details. He will do everything If I allow him to. He will be my all, if I allow him to take that place. And I can take one deep sigh of relief because God makes it easy for me. He doesn’t give me all the answers today, but he will always be faithful to me. He will never let me down.  All I need to do is just enjoy life, take a deep breath, and love others. That’s an easy job. Let me just be. 

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